This Cannot Go On

I am currently finding myself in an annoying but necessary phase of life. The phase of life where I suddenly realize that everything I am doing is wrong. I've been sensing it for a while now, particularly in the way I've been relating to God, but up until about a week ago I felt no need for real change, I guess I supposed that sooner or later everything would work out again. But then it hit me; I am the problem, I need to change.

Like I said, I've been feeling it for a while, but have somehow avoided doing anything about it. Then I went to Turkey, had a great two weeks, and came home a very confused person. I had my life all planned out, or at least the next five years, and suddenly I was left with nothing, no plans, no clue. Then I had a discussion with some people and the result was me realizing that, like I said before, I am doing everything wrong. Things have to change.

So what is "everything," one may ask. Well where do I start. First of all there is my relationship with God. I've suddenly realized that I have been trying to boil a relationship down to a formula. If I do this and this and pray and read my Bible I will be fine. I don't know what I was thinking. I would never try to keep a relationship with anyone else going by talking to them for a few minutes everyday about myself and then reading about things that they have done. That's completely ridiculous. I also feel like I don't really know how to live anymore. My priorities are screwed up. I'm living to validate myself, I'm living for other people, for their praise and acceptance. This is simply no way to live. There are many other aspects of my life that need to change, I don't really feel like going into all of them. There are some habits that need to be broken and some patterns of thought that need to stop.

So what am I doing about all of this? Well the first step was/is depression, a feeling of being totally overwhelmed, and despair. I think I'm pretty much over this phase, at least I hope so. I was helped out by a good discussion with someone who has gone through a similar phase recently and is, in some ways, still dealing with it, and also by the realization that all is not lost. I am not back at square one in my relationship with God. Sure, I may have gotten off track, but there is still a foundation there, still core beliefs and convictions that are not going away. This gives me hope. So as for the rest of my plan: well, I know it will be a long road. One does not change one's way of thinking and living over night. I realize that I will not wake up in the morning a completely changed person. Everything will not fix itself. So I guess that I will pray a lot, and I will read a lot of books that a friend recommended, and I will try to change some thought patterns, who knows what else. All I know is that God is good and that I'm starting a long journey which will end in a better place.