Thoughts produced by Thomas Merton

I should currently be working on the sermon that I have to give at Preaching/Teaching tomorrow at VLI, but instead I'm taking a little "break" a.k.a I'm stuck and can't think about it anymore.

This morning I was reading a bit from Thoughts In Solitude by Thomas Merton. If you have not read it you should, because it is excellent and it makes one think a lot. I read chapter 12 this morning and was really challenged by it. The first paragraph reads,

"If you want to have a spiritual life you must unify your life. A life is either all spiritual or not spiritual at all. No man can serve two masters. Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire."

The chapter goes on to talk about the need to renounce all desires that are not God. I'll give another quote because He says it better than I can.

"By renouncing the world we conquer the world, rise above it's multiplicity and recapitulate it in the simplicity of a love which finds all things in God.
This is what Jesus meant when He said that anyone who would save his life will lose it, and he who would lose his life, for the sake of God, would save it."

This really made me start thinking about what desires I have. I would say that my number one desire is to serve God and follow wherever He leads me. However, my life does not always reflect this. Often my other desires, whatever they may be, get in the way of this one main desire that I would say is foremost in my life. I'm not necessarily saying that desiring things is wrong, but what are my priorities? If someone who observes my life on a regular basis were to answer the question, "What, based on how you have seen Janell living, is her number one desire, her top priority?" What would they answer? What does the way I really live my life and operate day to day reveal about my priorities in life? What desires are getting in the way of my relationship with God? What end am I living for? Just something I'm thinking about.

Just Life

Today was an excellent day. I'm one of those people who is quite lazy, but every now and then I get in the mood to actually do something with my life. Today was one of those days. Basically I did a ton of laundry and organized the linen closet, which made me really happy with myself. I love organizing. I also finally decided to get some exercise, seeing how it was a warmish day. So Teresa and I set off on our bikes for the river. Once we got to the river we found all these wonderful bike trails that could take you all the way to campus. It was really exciting. We decided not to got to campus today but we did decide to try a new way home. That's when our troubles began. We rode for a while until the trail ended and then we rode some more until we came across High Street. Me, being the excellent navigator that I am, knew exactly which way to go and off we went. We rode for quite some time and didn't recognize anything, but I didn't think too much of it, I'm constantly stumbling upon neighborhoods that I've never been through when I bike around the city. After a while I started noticing a lot of student housing and thought it seemed odd, being so far away from campus and all, but on we rode. Finally I realized that we were indeed on campus and that I had forgotten that we crossed High Street to get to the river. So when we came upon High Street the first time I took off in the wrong direction because I thought we were on the other side of the street. Yeah, I pretty much felt like a moron. So we rode all the way back home and were very tired upon returning. But we did manage to get all our exercise in for the week and I enjoyed a fabulous bike ride, so yay for that.

On a more serious note, I am feeling frustrated. I feel like I know exactly what I want to do with my life, or at least the next few years. I have logically thought it out and I have figured out the best solution, the best plan. Why is this a problem? Because apparently God does not always work according to my logic. Apparently He has a better plan that I just don't understand. The question in my mind for the past few weeks is do I go to school or do I go to Turkey? Since I got home from Turkey I have been leaning towards school. It's not that I don't want to go to Turkey, I do very much. It's more that I don't want to go right now and I think going to school first makes more sense. But I just can't get over the feeling that school is not what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't get over the feeling that I'm supposed to go to Turkey, no matter what my logic may be. This is frustrating for me. I like have control, I don't like my life being out of my hands. I have trust issues. No matter how many times I say I trust God, it's still a really hard thing for me to do. So what's going to happen? I honestly don't have a clue.